Intrepid border-jumping Mexicans could be America's #1 weapon in the fight against terrorism. Want to do your part to defend our country? Help us purchase billboard advertising to encourage Mexican nationals to report potential terrorist activity against the U.S. by "OTMs" (Other-Than-Mexicans). OTMs stream into the U.S. via Mexico from countries like Yemen, Syria and Iran at the rate of some 50,000 a year. (While many OTM’s simply seek a better life, Homeland Security intelligence indicates that terrorists may also be crossing our southern border in substantial numbers.) Informants of any nationality are entitled to generous rewards from the U.S. State Department so the incentives are already in place. Recruiting hard-working illegal aliens (scores of whom perished in 9-11 along with legal residents) to join the war against terror will save lives and protect our economy.

The Threat

In the aftermath of 9-11, it looked as though a Coalition of the Willing might attract almost every nation, and perhaps even every species. And while they may come crawling back one day, America's allies in the war on terror have steadily dwindled as the mission has crept across the Middle East.

With al-Qaeda perpetually threatening to drop a flaming bag of nuclear poo on our doorstep, the internet is buzzing with doomsday rumors. You can’t swing a cat without hitting a politician speechifying about protecting our borders and ridding the land of terrorist cells.

The truth is, America is vulnerable. We need a miracle of sorts, to help us through this most daunting period in the history of our gapingly open society. We need an indefatigable ally, every bit as crafty and driven as the foes we face if we are to preserve our way of life and avoid a state of permanent lockdown.

A Fresh New Way of Looking at Mexicans

Now then...

Imagine a nation of millions of hungry and enthusiastic defenders of capitalism, ready to lay down their lives for a shot at the American dream…

A passionate people, descended from fearsome Aztecs, cunning Spaniards, and the very kind of fanatical Muslims we face today… (Arabs, of course, occupied Spain for 700 years, bringing with them oranges, bellydancing, swarthiness, and Mathematics.)

So just who is this intrepid über-race so perfectly designed to form the vanguard of freedom and security in our hemisphere today?

They’re called Mexicans. And they’re everywhere.

Many of these Mexicans are in the United States illegally. Unlike you or me, they don’t have a valid social security card. (Caution: if you don’t have your social security card handy you may be a Mexican.) While some Mexicans cross the border wearing caps emblazoned with the logos of defunct USFL teams, such as the “Birmingham Stallions,” don’t let that fool you. They’re still Mexicans.

Mexicans touch the lives of most Americans many times a day, cooking our food, tending our lawns, remodeling our homes, cleaning our offices, and generally ensuring that the American economy doesn’t grind to a halt on account of how expensive it would be to hire your own kids to wash the family SUV. An American teenager won't get out of bed for what you pay a dozen Mexicans of dubious immigration status to swarm the Touareg down at Aladdin Car Wash, "Where Your Wash is Our Command."

There is no minimum wage in Mexico. And they don't need no stinking OSHA, either. Since Mexicans take enormous pride in doing everything “Mexican style,” they don’t require that employers pay them a living wage, provide benefits, or observe workplace safety regulations. Needless to say, this attitude is just fine with Americans – except, of course, when Mexicans also decline to learn English. (A Mexican who can’t speak English will invariably have difficulty programming a sprinkler system.)

Mexicans Aren't Perfect

Unfortunately, not all Mexicans are maintenance-free. Some may require medical attention, the costs of which are passed on to taxpayers. This can be quite expensive, since Mexicans can get every bit as sick as legal citizens. Just ask the rhetorically compulsive Michelle Malkin, who predictably stakes out the most extreme position imaginable on every issue set before her.

But the trouble with Mexicans doesn’t end there. Some become involved in serious criminal activity and find their way to prison (taking up valuable space anti-immigrant lawmakers complain has been traditionally reserved for African-American males).

Mexicans would be the first to admit they aren’t perfect. They cause a lot of problems, and inconvenience Americans by forcing us to “Press ‘1’ for English” whenever we call the cable company. In a pinch, some may even urinate in your yard when they are roofing your house all day without health insurance.

Were you to listen to talk radio you would quickly understand that Mexicans (like the Chinese who built the railroads, and the African slaves who sustained our agricultural economy before them) are simply a drain on our pocketbooks. They contribute nothing to our country except millions of hours of backbreaking labor. Adding insult to injury, Mexicans also threaten our culture through the insidious deliciousness of their foods and the pernicious bodaciousness of such TV and film stars as Eva Longoria and Salma Hayek.

Lastly, we are told by knowing commentators, Mexicans also pose a terrifying security threat. After all, the argument runs, anyone willing to violate our immigration laws is more likely to break other laws, such as the law against murder. It is for such reasons that Michael Savage, popular radio host and raconteur, frequently refers to illegal aliens as “pieces of garbage” and "roaches." (Known for their clever retorts, Mexicans point out that Michael Savage’s real name is actually “Michael Wiener,” and that his mother’s first name is probably “Aida.”)

As the 9-11 Commission report bears out, Mexicans weren't as involved in carrying out the 9-11 attacks as we might have been led to believe. In truth, these industrious (and musical) people didn’t want to bomb the twin towers at all… they just wanted to vacuum them. Our suspicion is that just because Mexicans take advantage of the porosity of our borders does not necessarily mean they want to kill us. Except when they play us in soccer, in which case they absolutely want to kill us.

Mexicans Will Help Us... If We Just Ask Them

President Bush has said of Islamic extremists, “they hate us because we’re free.” On the other hand, illegal aliens love us because we’re free. In fact, they want to be every bit as free themselves... free to improve their lot, free to enjoy the American way of life -- free to partake of all the wondrous loads of Chinese crap that a Wal-Mart superstore has to offer. While would-be pragmatists make the point that we can't simply open the floodgates and let everybody in, they rarely mention that nor can we simply lock everybody out. Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan often cautioned that illegal workers increasingly play an essential “anti-inflationary” role in the U.S. economy. We've been suckling at the bountiful brown teat of cheap Mexican labor for too long to just deport all undocumented Mexicans overnight, or possibly ever.

Historically, our vaunted immigration laws have been enforced or ignored based on our need at any given time for Mexican migrant workers. Simple as that. And we've needed a lot of them or they wouldn't be here. These people have been inextricably incorporated into America's business model, fueling our global competitiveness. We'd better fully appreciate what we are doing if we're going to start ripping parts out of the machine. President Bush certainly understands this, which is at least one reason he favors an extensive guest worker program.

On the flipside, imagine the destabilizing consequences mass deportation would have on Mexico, whose citizens have themselves become addicted to the $15-$20 billion dollars sent home every year by their relatives in the U.S. We really don't need a bloody revolution in our own backyard. (Though one can imagine worse things than the downfall of a hopelessly corrupt and repressive Mexican oligarchy that has ensured that country's fate as a failed state that can do no better than to aggressively export its poor.)

No doubt, the answers to all of the problems created by illegal immigration are not found in this modest blog entry. It’s at least a paragraph too short. But in the meantime, let's circle back to the issue of terrorism. Here’s my very serious question:

WHY NOT AGGRESSIVELY RECRUIT MEXICANS TO HELP IDENTIFY TERRORISTS IN THE U.S.?

Stay with me...

I invite the readership of CleverAmerican.com (that’s you) to help us sponsor billboards trumpeting the U.S. State Department's "Rewards for Justice" program, which awards tens of millions of dollars to informants who assist in the capture of terrorists bent. One such program is called the "Counter-Terrorist Financing Rewards Program," and here's how Uncle Sam explains it on the astonishingly hideous State Department website:

The U.S. Government is offering a reward of up to $5 million for information leading to the dismantling of any system used to finance a terrorist organization and information leading to the arrest or conviction of those who planned or aided in any act of terrorism against U.S. persons or property.

And unlike the California state lottery, Mexican Nationals are welcome to get in on the fun. The trouble is, no one has bothered to tell them about this. Until now.

If everybody (you again) contributes a buck or two we’ll have our first billboard. The goal is to have them dotting the landscape of border towns across the Southwest.

Beyond just the reward money itself, enthusiastic participation in the Rewards for Justice program would benefit illegal workers just as much as it would us. Suddenly, these legions of undocumented Mexicans would no longer be easy scapegoats and constant reminders of our border insecurity. And the skyrocketing career of somebody like gleeful anti-immigrant terror warrior Tom Tancredo might actually run out propellant before he manages to invade Poland.

Yes, as al-Qaeda plots are foiled by plumbers from Guadalajara, these folks would be instantly transformed into a highly valued anti-terrorism network, with bands of agents eagerly patrolling our borders (how ironic is that?) for anybody who looks more like they’re from Karachi than Cancun. (Unlike the average TSA agent, Mexicans will have no trouble telling a Puerto Rican from a Pakistani. (Read our take on racial profiling here.)

And who better than our Mexican allies to root out the occasional filthy-bomber type? The minute José Padilla down the street changes his name to something like “Abdullah al-Muhajir” you can bet somebody’s going to drop a dime. We might also make greater inroads into understanding MS-13 gang activity and reports of extremist plots being hatched in prisons. That's precisely the kind of intelligence that could have prevented Oklahoma City, 9-11 and whatever the bastards are dreaming up this second.

I should mention that I test-proposed this concept to Gerardo and Carlos, the two Mexican gentlemen finishing out my neighbor's attic in the 105° degree Dallas heat. Thrilled at the possibility of earning such exciting rewards and no fans of terrorism, they pronounced themselves ready, willing and able to track down the enemy (though I account for the possibility they were merely delirious from dehydration). These are good, decent men, with big brass cojones. They had the courage to move to a strange new land with no assets other than their skill and initiative. And with your help, it'll be good to get them into this fight.

Do Your Part! Save America! Amuse Yourself by Frustrating People Who Make a Living Scapegoating Mexicans!

So what do you say, folks? I’ll put in the first $20 bucks. Donating is easy. Just go to the PayPal link on the left and specify “BILLBOARD” as the reason for your donation.

By the way, our ultimate goal is to make enough of a splash to attract government sponsorship and administration of this effort. We cheerfully invite inquiries from politicians on either side of the aisle.