Oh dear.

As you may recall, we recently submitted a press release urging Homeland Security to promote the "Rewards for Justice" Program to Mexican nationals. This would, of course, include illegal aliens in the target audience. The State Department is already promoting this program throughout the Middle East, which is a good thing, since that's where a lot of terrorists summer.

Obviously, this doesn't mean that we love everyone who becomes aware of Rewards for Justice as a result of our efforts, or that we respect their beliefs, or agree with their motives. It just means we could use their help. Thus, we aren't too proud to hand out money to people who basically hate us. And these haters aren't too proud to put that money in their pockets. Just ask Saddam and his erstwhile sons, who were all probably snitched on by fellow Baathists.

In the case of Mexicans, who have more interest in cricket scores than in fomenting terror, there is reason to believe that the Rewards for Justice program would be quite successful. Oddly enough, however, the maverick "conservatives" trolling the Free Republic's website firmly reject the idea that illegal aliens could be associated with anything positive. Here are a few of the choice responses that greeted our modest press release...

"HiJinx" writes:

"This Mr. Carlson likes his hyperbole, saying that many illegal aliens died in the twin towers alongside US citizens..."

Hmmm. Other than HiJinx, I don't believe there is any other important commentator who would dispute that many illegal aliens perished in 9-11. The Twin Towers, including the restaurants they housed, required hundreds of menial workers to operate on a day-to-day basis. If you go into any office building or hotel or convention center in New York (or virtually anywhere else) you will encounter scores of illegal aliens performing these same humble tasks.

Clearly, a proposal to harness the talents of illegal aliens for the greater good (preventing nuclear annihilation, for instance) does not mesh with how HiJinx believes he is supposed to feel about illegal immigrants. And the idea that they died alongside us in large numbers on 9-11 can't be right... can it?

But rather than challenge himself, HiJinx instead retreats into fantasy, suggesting that the Twin Towers were mysteriously filled with only red-blooded Americans and perhaps a few properly documented resident aliens, probably from Sweden. To have sympathy for illegal aliens as victims of terror simply does not compute. So we'll just photoshop the little bastards right out of reality

HiJinx and a few other "Freepers" (denizens of the Free Republic chat boards) follow up with a couple of pointed questions along the lines of:

"Wonder what he gets out of this, besides publicity for his web site?"

Freeper-think quickly leads to the suspicion is that I am laboring in obscurity and taking difficult positions on delicate issues as part of an elaborate money-making venture. In the first place, many bloggers and pundits whom HiJinx and the gang probably worship like the Baby Jesus have revenue-generating links on their sites. But because my views are so disagreeable, I must be an intellectual carpetbagger who is merely playing some angle.

If my focus were really on selling products, you would think I'd have the sense to take mainstream positions and pander to somebody, for God's sake. Sheesh.

Next, one "Emmett McCarthy" really shits the bed in the analogy department...

"So he's trying to sell us on the idea that 'illegals' are needed for national security? Kinda like the abortionists who tell us about how much their embryonic stem cells are going to do to save peoples' lives. Horse $hit!"

Wow. I'm glad this guy wasn't around when Jonas Salk was noodling around with the polio vaccine. Is there any possibility this medical genius might not really know the limits of science?

Hell, I don't know if stem cells will ever cure my Nana's Alzheimer's. But I'm not going to judge a medical theory on the basis of what some shrill anti-abortionist harpy or some Eric Rudolph psychopath has to say about it.

But my favorite comments are from "EequalsMC2." To his credit, this immigration Einstein is actually willing to put his money where his mouth is (in addition to both feet). He wagers his gigantic paycheck on the following propositions:

MS-13 are Mexican terrorists. I'd bet a paycheck Mexican illegals have never turned any of them in. So why would they turn in OTMs? I'd bet another paycheck that Mexican illegals sympathize with OTMs in some way. Perhaps even helping them.

Holy cow. That's a lot of hatred for one guy. Millions of Mexicans scapegoated as scumbag terrorist sympathizers because they didn't get a greencard before cleaning your toilets. Ya know, if his complaint is that our country is flooded with Mexicans you'd think he might bother to talk to one instead of just using his woman's intuition to conclude they've sworn allegiance to to Osama Fucking Bin Laden. One wonders if EequalsMC2 feels the same way about Canadians in this country illegally? Are they also champing at the bit to help "Other-Than-Canadians" plunge a dagger into the heart of America?

Mexican illegals won't even turn in their smugglers, who often abandon or kill them.

"Turn in their smugglers?" America needs illegal aliens. But we force them to brave unspeakable conditions and consort with heartless thugs to get here. If they turn in their smugglers how else are they supposed to make the journey? If they waited in line like they are "supposed" to, well... that's such a moronic and unrealistic suggestion I can hardly sit still. Look around, chief! They're doing all the work!

An illegal Mexican Landscaper/Maid, whatever is also a terrorists: an economic terrorist. Think he/she would turn themselves in?

Ah yessss... that's good stuff. I'm just going to let that hang in the air for a minute...

Like a fine wine, such exquisite thinking must be given room to breathe.

Here is where I went wrong: I assumed it would be hard to argue with the concept of increasing awareness about millions of dollars of counter-terrorism rewards among populations best-situated to encounter and report terrorists.

Unfortunately, this kind of reasoning leads to a painful mental hernia if one can't reconcile two seemingly contradictory ideas; e.g., illegal aliens (BAD) and fighting terrorists (GOOD). For God's sake, is there a Hegelian Dialectician in the house?

As I'm so fond of saying, people are always looking for a way to make life 50% easier. So they latch on to some pre-masticated set of ideas and identify so strongly with their obsession of choice (be it a political movement, religion, NASCAR, whatever) that they cease to process information.

And I'm not just talking about conservatives. Liberals can be regoddamndiculous in this regard. Just look at how many young people oppose the war in Iraq almost as a fashion statement, like a soul patch or a belly ring. (To give you some idea of the limits of their commitment to the anti-war effort consider the colossal failure of the get-out-the-vote campaigns geared to secure the youth vote for Kerry.)

If there's a message here it's a simple one: A THOUGHT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE A REFLEX. You run into trouble when you ask people to think. Few requests can be more threatening, confusing or infuriating.

But we can't help it. That's what we ask. That's all we ask.

I like your site. Will you be commenting on the state of the union address? Can Russia be considered a democratic country anymore? And is the Republican's best hope for good mid-term elections another Bin Ladin video? I look forward to reading something completely unexpected on your site on my next visit.

"Do I entertain you?" --Maximus

Thanks, Kiernia. I'll address your topics asap.