Executive Summary:

It's about time our leaders realized that border-jumping Mexicans could be America's #1 weapon in the fight against terrorism. Help your friends at www.cleveramerican.com fund billboard advertising that encourages Mexican nationals to report terrorist threats against the U.S. by "OTMs" (Other-Than-Mexicans). Informants of any nationality are entitled to generous rewards from the U.S. State Department through www.rewardsforjustice.com so the incentives to report terrorists are already in place. We just need to get the word out to our hard-working neighbors to the South, and do it now! Do the patriotic thing and help us by donating a few bucks using the paytrust link on the left. We'll follow up with cool pics of our billboards.

Extended schtick on this topic:

In the aftermath of 9-11, it looked as though a Coalition of the Willing might attract almost every nation, and perhaps even every species. But America's allies in the war on terror have steadily dwindled as the mission creeps across the Middle East.

Now that al-Qaeda is threatening to drop a flaming bag of nuclear poo on our doorstep, the internet is buzzing with doomsday rumors. You can’t swing a cat without hitting a politician speechifying about protecting our borders and ridding the land of terrorist cells.

The truth is, America is vulnerable. We need a miracle of sorts, to help us through this most daunting period in the history of our gapingly open society. We need an indefatigable ally, every bit as crafty and driven as the foes we face if we are to preserve our way of life and avoid a state of permanent lockdown.

Now then…

Imagine a nation of millions of hungry and enthusiastic defenders of capitalism, ready to lay down their lives for a shot at the American dream…

A passionate people, descended from fearsome Aztecs, cunning Spaniards, and the very kind of fanatical Muslims we face today… (Arabs, of course, occupied Spain for 700 years, bringing with them oranges, bellydancing, swarthiness, and Mathematics.)

So just who is this intrepid über-race so perfectly designed to form the vanguard of freedom and security in our hemisphere today?

They’re called Mexicans. And they’re everywhere.

Many of these Mexicans are in the United States illegally. Unlike you or me, they don’t have a valid social security card. (Caution: if you don’t have your social security card handy you may be a Mexican.) While some Mexicans cross the border wearing caps emblazoned with the logo of defunct USFL teams, such as the “Birmingham Stallions,” don’t let that fool you. They’re still Mexicans.

Mexicans touch the lives of most Americans many times a day, cooking our food, tending our lawns, remodeling our homes, cleaning our offices, and generally ensuring that the American economy doesn’t grind to a halt on account of how expensive it would be to hire your own kids to wash the family SUV. An American teenager won't get out of bed for what you pay a dozen Mexicans of dubious immigration status to swarm the Touareg down at Aladdin Car Wash, "Where Your Wash is Our Command."

There is no minimum wage or OSHA in Mexico. Since Mexicans take enormous pride in doing everything “Mexican style,” they don’t require that employers pay them a living wage, provide benefits, or observe workplace safety regulations. Needless to say, this attitude is just fine with Americans – except, of course, when Mexicans also decline to learn English. (A Mexican who can’t speak English will invariably have difficulty programming a sprinkler system.)

Unfortunately, not all Mexicans are maintenance-free. Some may require medical attention, the costs of which are passed on to taxpayers. This can be quite expensive, since Mexicans can get every bit as sick as legal citizens. But the trouble with Mexicans doesn’t end there. Some become involved in serious criminal activity and find their way to prison (taking up valuable space needed by African-American males).

Mexicans would be the first to admit they aren’t perfect. They cause a lot of problems, and inconvenience Americans by forcing us to “Press ‘1’ for English” whenever we call the cable company. In a pinch, some may even urinate in your yard.

Were you to listen to talk radio you would quickly understand that Mexicans (like the Chinese who built the railroads, and the African slaves who sustained our agricultural economy before them) are simply a drain on our pocketbooks, contributing nothing to our country except millions of hours of backbreaking labor. Adding insult to injury, Mexicans also threaten our culture through the insidious deliciousness of their foods and the pernicious bodaciousness of such TV and film stars as Eva Longoria and Salma Hayek. Lastly, we are told by knowing commentators, Mexicans also pose a terrifying security threat. After all, the argument runs, anyone willing to violate our immigration laws is more likely to break other laws, such as the law against murder. It is for such reasons that Michael Savage, popular radio host and raconteur, frequently refers to illegal aliens as “pieces of garbage.” (Known for their clever retorts, Mexicans point out that Michael Savage’s real name is actually “Michael Wiener,” and that his mother’s first name is probably “Aida.”)

As the Report of the 9-11 Commission bears out, Mexicans were not as involved in carrying out the
9-11 attacks as we might believe. In truth, they didn’t want to bomb the twin towers at all… they just wanted to vacuum them. Our own research has revealed that just because Mexicans take advantage of the porosity of our borders does not necessarily mean they want to kill us. Except when they play us in soccer, in which case they absolutely want to kill us.

President Bush has said of Islamic extremists, “they hate us because we’re free.” On the other hand, illegal aliens love us because we’re free. In fact, they want to be every bit as free themselves... free to improve their lot, free to enjoy the American way of life -- free to partake of all the wondrous kinds of inexpensive crap that a Wal-Mart superstore has to offer. While would-be pragmatists make the point that we can't simply open the floodgates and let everybody in, they rarely mention that nor can we simply lock everybody out. Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan has cautioned that illegal workers increasingly play an essential “anti-inflationary” role in the U.S. economy. We've been suckling at the bountiful brown teat of cheap Mexican labor for too long to just deport all undocumented Mexicans overnight, or possibly ever.

Historically, our vaunted immigration laws have been enforced or ignored based on our need at any given time for Mexican migrant workers who cross our borders "illegally." And we've needed a lot of them or they wouldn't be here. These people have been inextricably incorporated into America's business model, fueling our global competitiveness. We'd better fully appreciate what we are doing if we're going to start ripping parts out of the machine.

On the flipside, imagine the destabilizing consequences mass deportation would have on our neighbors to the south, who have become similarly addicted to the $15-$20 billion dollars sent home every year by their relatives in the U.S. We don't need a bloody revolution in our own backyard (though one can imagine worse things than the downfall of a hopelessly corrupt and repressive Mexican oligarchy that has ensured that country's fate as a failed state that can do no better than to aggressively export its poor).

No doubt, the answers to all of the problems created by illegal immigration are not found in this modest blog entry. It’s at least a paragraph too short. But in the meantime, let's circle back to the issue of terrorism. Here’s my very serious question:

Why not recruit Mexicans to help identify terrorists in the U.S.?

Stay with me...

The readership of CleverAmerican.com (that’s you) will sponsor a $25,000 reward to be awarded to any Mexican national who provides law enforcement authorities with information leading to the arrest of any individual(s) involved in committing acts of terrorism against the United States. If everybody (you again) contributes a buck or two we’ll have our first award.

Beyond just the reward money itself, wide implementation of this incentive program would benefit illegal workers just as much as it would us. Suddenly, these legions of undocumented Mexicans would no longer merely be easy scapegoats and constant reminders of our border insecurity. As al-Qaeda plots are foiled by plumbers from Guadalajara, these folks would be instantly transformed into a highly valued anti-terrorism network, with bands of agents eagerly patrolling our borders (how ironic is that?) for anybody who looks more like they’re from Karachi than Cancun. (Unlike the average TSA agent, Mexicans will have no trouble telling a Puerto Rican from a Pakistani. (Read our take on racial profiling here.)

And who better than our Mexican allies to root out the occasional filthy-bomber type? The minute José Padilla down the street changes his name to something like “Abdullah al-Muhajir” you can bet somebody’s going to drop a dime.

I should mention that I test-proposed this concept to Gerardo and Luis, the two gentlemen finishing out my attic in the 105° degree Dallas heat. Thrilled at the possibility of earning such a generous reward, they pronounced themselves ready, willing and able to track down the enemy (though I account for the possibility they were merely delirious). These are good, decent men, with big brass cojones. They had the courage to move to a strange new land with no assets other than their skill and initiative. And with your help, it'll be good to get them into this fight.

So what do you say, folks? I’ll put in the first $20 bucks and update you regularly on our running tally. Donating is easy. Just go to the PayPal link on the left and specify “alien border patrol” as the reason for your donation.

OUR TEDIOUS AND EXPENSIVE LAWYERS REMIND YOU: Yes, CleverAmerican.com is dead serious about this. But for legal and tax reasons, please consider your contribution merely to be a non-tax-deductible donation to the upkeep of this blog (akin to buying CleverAmerican.com a friendly drink) and not as a charitable donation or fee, or as consideration for any particular service. No offer is being made, this not a contest, and no rules will apply to the manner in which the monies are disbursed except that we represent that we will grant the money to an independent third-party and not for our own benefit, or that of our families, friends or associates. You acknowledge that in no case are you owed a duty in exchange for your contribution. Likewise, no potential candidate has any right to any monies collected, which shall only be granted in the sole discretion of CleverAmerican.com entirely as we see fit. We might not even give it to a Mexican. It might go to a Filipino or a Nigerian or an American for that matter. Nor must the recipient be an illegal alien as such. But we focus primarily on Mexicans because they dominate the pool of migrant workers entering America, both legally and illegally. The award may also go to persons in correctional facilities in light of rumored MS-13 gang activity and reports of extremist plots being hatched in prisons. In summary, we just want the recipient to be deserving so that the award is made in a manner that is satisfying for our readership. Void where prohibited.